Jamie and Kurt are a sweet,
successful couple in their early thirties. In spite of loving
each other deeply, they often find themselves in conflict
over seemingly minor issues, as most couples do. Recently,
just one week before their wedding anniversary, they had
a particularly hurtful argument. Jamie had expressed her
unhappiness about Kurt’s busy schedule and the limited time
he finds to spend with her. As usual, Kurt promised to try
harder and they got through it. But having not dealt with
the real issues at hand, the problem was bound to resurface.
Jamie unknowingly began planting the seeds for their next
bout when she decided to bring up the subject of their anniversary.
“Kurt, I just wanted to remind
you that next week is our anniversary and it‘s really important
that we plan something special for us.”
Kurt took a deep breath and
responded, “Jamie, you know I don’t really like celebrations.”
“Oh come on Kurt. It’s really
important to me.” Nearly pleading, Jamie continued. “When
you really love someone, you try to do what is important
to them, right? I made the plans last year and now it’s
your turn. Why don’t you surprise me…something really romantic!
Okay?”
Silent and distant, Kurt gave
a slight nod, which was all the assurance Jamie needed that
this anniversary would be exceptional. She could barely
work that week fantasizing about what Kurt would do to demonstrate
his everlasting love. Finally, the day arrived! Kurt had
agreed to be home by six o clock. By twenty past six, Jamie
was anxious. With each glance at the clock, her pacing quickened.
At last, Kurt walked through the door looking tense and
clutching a bouquet of red roses. Jamie took the roses with
a wary smile, anticipating what was coming next. Without
even so much as a glance, Kurt turned around, got a beer
out of the fridge, and sank into the couch, grabbing the
remote control.
Jamie watched intently, feeling
her blood turn to ice. “That’s it?” she asked.
“That’s what?”
“That’s it? It’s our anniversary!”
Jamie’s tone grew sharp. “You said you would plan something
special and romantic and this…” shaking the roses in her
clenched fist, “this is it?”
“I never said I would do anything,”
Kurt retorted. “I told you it wasn’t my thing.”
“Don t lie to me! You nodded
yes!”
“No, I didn’t. I didn’t agree
to anything. You always want me to prove that I love you.
I hate that! Even if I did want to do something for our
anniversary, I certainly wouldn’t want to after you tell
me you expect it! Sullenly, Kurt turned back to the TV.
You take all the fun out of everything.
Jamie dissolved into tears.
“Well if you knew how to show me you loved me, I wouldn’t
have to say anything.”
Without a word, Kurt turned
off the TV and left the house.
Once again, Jamie and Kurt
were left feeling unheard and unappreciated. Their conditioned
response was to blame each other for their hurt feelings
and angry behavior.
In order to understand how
things went so wrong, we need to look at the interaction
in terms of their intention to learn or their intention
to protect.
Jamie starts out trying to
control Kurt by making him feel guilty. Kurt, not wanting
to be controlled and not able to communicate how being controlled
makes him feel, moves into resistance, which is his form
of control. Jamie thinks that laying on more guilt (control)
will accomplish her objective to have a romantic anniversary.
Since Kurt is frustrated with his inability to express his
brewing feelings, he moves into silence (control). Finally,
when Kurt comes home late and sits on the sofa, he demonstrates
passivity (control) to which Jamie responds with anger (control).
Kurt uses more resistance (control) and Jamie uses more
anger and guilt (control). Kurt gets defensive (control)
and disappears (control). Attack, resist, blame, defend,
on and on…Sound familiar?
Neither Kurt nor Jamie want
to hurt each other. Unfortunately, they are also not open
to learning about their own feelings and behaviors, or each
other’s. Resorting to controlling behavior keeps them safe
and eliminates the need to effectively communicate their
fear. Fear is what motivates their intention to control
and in the face of fear, their love dissipates.
Instead of each person taking
full responsibility for his or her own happiness and unhappiness,
they gave that job to each other. Imagine that your feelings
are a child within. Imagine what would happen if you had
an actual child that you kept trying to give to others to
take care of. That child would feel scared and insecure
most of the time. Yet that is exactly what happens when
we make others responsible for our feelings - our child
within feels scared, insecure, angry, depressed, and anxious.
It is only when we take responsibility for our own feelings,
which we can do through the intent to learn, that we will
feel secure enough to give up the need to control and resist
control.
It would be easy to blame Jamie
for their problems - if only she didn’t get so needy and
angry, everything would be fine. It’s just as easy to blame
Kurt - if only he was more attentive and caring. Yet until
both Jamie and Kurt are willing to take responsibility for
their own feelings, and until loving themselves and each
other is more important than controlling or not being controlled,
their conflicts will continue.
The act of taking responsibility
has nothing to do with blame or fault. Each person taking
full responsibility eliminates the need to be right and
that is an essential step to a mature and reasonable outcome.
What if Jamie had started with, “Kurt, I love celebrating
our anniversary and you hate it. Can we talk about what
would work for both of us?” They could have more easily
resolved the issue. And what if Kurt had responded to Jamie’s
initial controlling statements with caring and openness
instead of resistance, such as, “Honey, you know I don’t
like celebrations, so please don’t expect me to plan something.
Let’s talk about how we can make it work for both of us.”
Either one of them could have moved into an intent to learn
and taken responsibility for creating what they wanted.
Each of us has the choice to
begin to notice our intention.
If each of us changed our intention
from controlling to loving, and learned to take responsibility
for our own feelings, we would each be participating in
healing our relationships and thereby healing our planet.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the
best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including
"Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the
co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process.
Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner
Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com
or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.
Phone sessions available.
margaret@innerbonding.com
